Goodbye
by newbe1
Summary: Ok so this is something I came up with. This has come off the back of Gamblers Fallacy in this world Amanda and Olivia had been seeing each other. Amanda can't take anymore her life is spiraling down hill, ultimately she has decided to leave so she writes this to Olivia
1. Chapter 1

_t's never enough to say I'm sorry, It's never enough to say I care._

 _But I'm caught between what you wanted from me and knowing that if I give that to you I might just disappear._

 _Nobody wins when everyone's losing_

 _It's like one step forward and two steps back  
No matter what I do you're always mad  
And I, I can't change your mind  
I know it's like trying to turn around on a one way street  
I can't give you what you want  
And it's killing me  
And I, I'm starting to see  
Maybe we're not meant to be._

* * *

My sweet Olivia,

I sit here alone in my living room thinking of you, of us…

In the silence all I can hear is the clock ticking slowly, the sound seems to be getting louder and louder as each minute passes by. The constant ticking is beginning to sound like a drum beating relentlessly through the room.

I check my phone for the umpteenth time this evening, looking for the message that never comes in. I open my outbox and start to read the unsent messages to you….the ones I never had the courage to send.  
I know our demise was that of my own making, I could never tell you how what I was thinking or how I was really feeling. I let out a small scoff at the irony of it all; here I am reading what you were looking for the whole time…honesty. I just never wanted to be a burden to you…

My eyes are still stinging from what seems like hours of sobbing and yet I'm barely able to hold back the tears that are threatening to fall, again.  
I down another shot of Jack, anything to dull the pain I'm feeling and take away my thoughts.

If I had the chance, I'd tell you:  
"When we don't speak and we go about our days hardly having any contact with each other it tears me up inside. Yes I'm complicated and yes I'm frustrating but I miss you, I miss how we used to speak and have a have a laugh about random stuff…. I'd tell you all I wanted was you and I'm sorry your patience wore thin with my toing and froing."

I know my actions (or lack of) have consequences but this time…this time they have been dyer, I've lost someone I really cared about.

You're this funny, intelligent, caring, beautiful breath of fresh air; you deserve people in your life that can give you everything in the world. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently.

Hurting you, all be it unintentionally, is the worst feeling in the world right now.

I know I have no right to be saying these things to you and I'm sorry for laying it all out like this, but I wanted you to know how truly sorry I am for not being what you needed.

Seeing you move on is killing me but all I can hope for is that you're happy.

Please forgive me.

Amanda


	2. Chapter 2

Italic are a memory. I found this on my desktop this morning and realised I hadn't added it. Enjoy, have a good day :-)

She's lying wide awake in the still darkness of her bedroom the only light is coming from the bright red numbers on her alarm clock, which is prickling her tired eyes like 1000 tiny pins as she stares blankly watching the numbers slowly change. With the distinct feeling that sleep wasn't going to come any time soon she turned her light on and took Amanda's letter from her bag, immediately remembered how it had first come to land on her desk…

 _Little over a week after Amanda had transferred out…the transfer Amanda had specifically asked to be kept from Olivia...the transfer that showed Amanda's blatant disregard for the rules, again! The transfer that had made Olivia so angry she couldn't even hear her name without feeling that burning anger bubbling up inside of her. Fin had had dropped it on her desk, at the time she remembered recognising the handwriting then angrily shoving the unopened envelope in her drawer and truth be told she had hardly gave it a single thought; Amanda was a grown woman she could make her own choices and if she wanted to disappear then she could damn well do it, she made her bed she could lay in it!_

It had been 2 months since Amanda had left when Olivia felt her anger levels had reduced just enough to be able to read the letter without the feeling that she was going to combust in a fit of rage, she fished it out of her drawer and began reading. Since then she has hardly been able to put the thing down, she is finding her daily thoughts and now even her nights are consumed by this piece of paper which continues to torment her.

She shoves her glasses onto her face and begins to take the letter from its envelope, with a now unsteady hand she finds herself thinking back to the time she spent with Amanda; to the sex, the endless conversation, the gentle kind way that Amanda spoke to her and the way she always jumped to her defence ready to take on any battle Olivia was having as her own, the person that she knew would always have her back.  
She didn't understand why Amanda was invading her thoughts so much and giving her another sleepless night, if there's one thing that Olivia Benson could do is she could always rationalise and compartmentalise her thoughts she could always justify her actions but this…this was different.

Picking up her phone she decided to call the one person she could always relay on to give her brutal honesty, without even saying Hello Olivia blurted out the impending question that had been swirling around in her brain for the past week, "Fin do you think I'm an ass for how I dealt with Rollins?" The groggy voice on the other end of the phone cleared his throat and paused,  
"Liv you know me I'm a straight shooter so I'm going to call it as it is… There are 3 types of people in this world those who take responsibility for their actions, those who take responsibility for both their actions and the actions of others, and lastly those who don't because they think they're above having to."  
"I never thought I'd say this about you but this time Liv you were the latter, Amanda on the other hand is the 2nd and you knew that, you were quite happy to let her put herself through hell as long as you came off squeaky clean Olivia Benson. Was it just arrogance that made you think you could do what you wanted and fuck her over?"

Unable to answer him she sat silently chewing on her bottom lip like a reprimanded child.

"Look Liv I don't want to be harsh here but put yourself in Amanda's shoes for a minute and you tell me if you'd like to be led up the garden path then out of nowhere receive the treatment that you dished out to her, maybe it's about time someone stood up and told you the truth. She was finally in a good place and you broke her, she cried herself to sleep on my couch countless times. She left here broken, doubting everything she felt...because of you! The way that you acted lost us a damn good detective and friend, so I can't feel sorry for you. Just please try to get some rest, goodnight Liv."  
At that the phone went dead. She wanted brutal honesty and Jesus did she get it in spades.

Turning off her light Olivia lay in the darkness again staring up at the ceiling her mind was racing, she was going over everything that had led up to this moment, Amanda's letter and what Fin had just said.  
Olivia broke the silence and began to talk hoping if she heard herself say the words out-loud it would somehow shed some light on what had become this dark shadow that was clouding her thoughts.  
"Did I break her?"  
"All of those times when she tried to tell me how she felt I shot her down and fobbed her off just so I didn't need to deal with it, I knew she was struggling with it all and I knew what this was doing to her but still I played dumb."

Olivia was faced with the ultimate realisation; my behaviour towards Amanda was unwarranted and unkind but the saddest part is, that after everything Amanda wrote this letter and still she told me the things that made me special, even after I threw everything back in her face in the most hurtful way possible. It's just a pity that I can't make her see that this isn't her fault and she has nothing to be forgiven for. Amanda never saw herself as deserving of me...

Olivia had never saw herself in this light before; to victims she was gentle, caring, sympathetic and patient, why didn't she show Amanda that same understanding and compassion.  
After what seemed to be the longest soul searching night of her life Olivia was left with a lot of questions about herself and her lifestyle, questions she never thought to ask before.

Her job is her life, she lives to fight for the victims, who would she be without it? But has being surrounded by victims and perpetrators every day made her see her personal life in such black and white terms; is she no longer able to look at the bigger picture without demonising one person? Has her job made her so jaded?

When her alarm finally goes off Olivia picks up the letter and sighs deeply as she folds it and puts it back in her bag. Dragging herself out of bed she heads for the shower, hoping it will wash away this sickly feeling one she can't quite describe it's a mix between sadness and something else, something she can't put her finger on.  
On her way she makes a snap decision grabs her phone and types out a quick message before turning it off "Fin you're in charge I'm taking a few personal days, Liv."


End file.
